(The following is a version of a common email joke that takes different forms for about a million rural areas in this country. I didn't make it up; I got it from the Enterprise, OR newspaper website a few years ago. If you are sensitive to such jokes, STOP RIGHT HERE AND HIT THE BACK BUTTON. If you are tempted to complain about it, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM DOING SO. I think it's cute, funny, and deadly accurate.

Advice for urbanites from the good people of Eastern Oregon

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when people from the Willamette Valley or, even worse, Californians cross into Eastern Oregon, the folk of rural Oregon have developed the following informational list:

Be Advised and Forewarned:

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a steelhead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

2. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish and sturgeon. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 84 goes two ways - we suggest west, folks in Idaho aren't as liberal as we are in rural Oregon.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

Now, enjoy your visit and then go home...ASAP!

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